Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Dashed Hope (Making Sense of It All)
Over the past few days I have been reflecting on life events from this year. I must be honest and say that although I'm thankful for all the blessings I've received in 2013, I'm also feeling some disappointment because my biggest hope for this year has been "dashed".
At the beginning of this year, Emma was recovering from surgery on her feet to help her to walk. She had little pink casts on both legs to protect the incisions where her achilles tendons were released. On January 1, 2013, I put a picture of her standing in her gait trainer and asked for prayers for her to walk this year. Many of our friends and family member from all over shared her picture and story. By the next morning we had hundreds of "likes" and comments with words of encouragement. The local newspaper heard about it and contacted us about writing a feature article. Friends came together and "Pray for Emma" tee shirts were made to help with medical bills. I just knew this would be her year!
As this year comes to a close, I'll say what is on my mind as I try to make sense of it all. Very little about Emma's life makes sense. From getting that first phone call about a tiny baby girl needing a forever home, the emotional roller coaster we were forced to ride while wading through the muck of the legal system just to make her officially ours, to receiving the devastating diagnosis of cerebral palsy. The only way to account for the happenings in her life is to believe that God works miracles and He has a plan that supersedes our senses. When I consider all the reasons why God's plans don't make sense, I start to feel justified in running far, far away!!!!! My heart and mind feel this is what is best. Then, just about the time I get my running shoes tied, I'm reminded that He keeps His promises. He hasn't run out on me. He is running beside me like a coach training an athlete for a marathon. My marathon is this life.
One of the highlights of this year for me was to attend a Hillsong United concert with some very dear friends (our praise band from church) who are a huge support system. Taya Smith is featured in the song "Oceans /Where Feet May Fail". I had heard it before the concert and listened to it many times. The lyrics are perfect: "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."
I will go with God even when He calls me to do something that goes against everything I ever thought I would be doing. All of those years ago when He called me to ministry, I thought He was calling me to Student Ministry. Little did I know He was calling me to be the mother of a Special Needs Child. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. So, when I said my greatest hope for this year had been "dashed", what I meant was I had intended for Emma to walk this year, but God said, "not yet".
To listen to "Oceans /Where Feet May Fail" click on the link below